Funny Quotes!

Hi All,

Here are some funny quotes that you can use in your profile or make your girlfriend laugh or whatever.

  • Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.– Demetri Martin
  • I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.– Demetri Martin
  • Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.– Bill Cosby
  • If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.– Dave Allen
  • The scientific theory I like the best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.— Max Born
  • There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don’t know what it’s a plan for.— Fred Hoyle
  • Sometimes I think we’re alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we’re not. In both cases the thought is equally shocking.— Arthur C. Clarke
  • There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.— Douglas Adams
  • In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.— Douglas Adams
  • With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.— Ransom K. Ferm
  • My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.— Christopher Morley
  • I’m worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It’s not holding a charge.— Edward Chilton
  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.— Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
  • One scientist to another: “I’m beginning to agree with the theory that space is curved — either that or my car is pulling to the left.”— Hoest and Reiner
  • Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
  • Scientists have discovered that time is not real, that we only live in the current moment. But then according to that, they haven’t done the research, and don’t really have anything to back them up, do they?
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.— Steven Wright
  • If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
  • Time is an illusion… lunchtime, doubly so.— Douglas Adams, “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe”
  • What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.— Dave Barry
  • Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.— Aldous Huxley
  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.— Clay Center Wisdom
  • A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.– Demetri Martin
  • Over the past 50 years Bob Hope employed 88 joke writers who supplied him with more than one million gags, and he still couldn’t make me laugh.– Eddie Murphy
  • He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.– Bertolt Brecht
  • We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.– Napoleon Bonaparte
  • You can’t deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.– Stephen King
  • Laughter is higher than all pain.– Elbert Hubbard

Okay, I didn’t search the net and collect it for you guys. It was done by some other noble man or some other noble blog. I just made a copy 🙂